Living Outside The Lines: “An Elf On The Shelf Expose”

It has only been twelve short years since I left the North Pole, but in those twelve years, I’ve experienced what feels like multiple lifetimes. Santa sent me down South to watch over children and…
Becky J Miller

It has only been twelve short years since I left the North Pole, but in those twelve years, I’ve experienced what feels like multiple lifetimes. Santa sent me down South to watch over children and report back on their behavior. It’s really a pretty big job; my observations determine who goes on the Naughty List and who lands the Nice List.

Honestly, I take my job seriously, but oh the situations in which I somehow find myself… Santa’s instructions were simple; locate an inconspicuous perch with an unobstructed view of the children. To ensure the children remain unaware of my presence, I’m to search for a new post each day.

No one, and I mean no one expected the adults to participate. The first time it happened was uncomfortable but not embarrassing. One minute I’m stealthily peeking out from behind a hand blown glass ornament and the next my buns are being dipped in steaming hot cocoa!!  Whoa, whoa, whoa, I like marshmallows and all, but never had I planned on swimming with them. They tried to suffocate me!!!

Then there was the Twister game. ‘Right foot blue’, ‘left foot green’ sounds easy enough, but when the colored circles are a foot apart and your legs are only three inches long; it’s a bit of a stretch.  Ha-ha #punintended

And oh my goodness, Mama was NOT HAPPY when I was found in a compromising with that tramp Barbie Doll. I tried to tell Mama it wasn’t my fault, Barbie was coming on to me with all those blonde haired feminine wiles of hers.

Do you hereby solemnly swear to keep a confidence? I secretly enjoyed zip lining across a rope the parents hung between kitchen cabinets and the dining room table. I wasn’t even scared!   

That time the Legion of Legos managed to lasso and hog-tie me was so embarrassing. How’d that happen, those guys are only about an inch tall, and have you seen their muscles? Virtually nonexistent. 

Have you ever fallen into a bag of M&M’s?? It sounds like a good idea, but all that chocolate at one time? Very. Bad. Idea. Just the memory of that day brings on a tummy ache.

Scout’s honor, I’m not a naughty elf. I am completely innocent. I’m boring. I’m not a party guy. How I find myself in these situations is something even the FBI has yet to solve. Eleven months out of the year I’m perfectly well behaved, but when the calendar turns to December, the unexplainable beings to happen. Blame it on puberty? 

One night after everyone had gone to sleep, I decided to try shaving. Thank God for Spider Man Band-Aids. I’ve no idea what possessed me to pick up that razor; I don’t even have peach fuzz yet!!

Hee hee hee, toilet papering the tree, not my idea, but totally fun nonetheless!!!  You should’ve seen the kiddos faces that morning! 

He had it coming! Tommy, a particularly mean boy woke one morning to find some lovely art-work on his face. It wasn’t me. Well, maybe. Shh….that prank was all my idea. What? He tried to steal my elf hat.  

My birthday is coming soon; I’ll be 13, almost retirement age. Working for Santa has its perks, but these humans are exhausting.  Hopefully soon I can live out my days sippin’ coconut concoctions on a sunny beach.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!!!

Until Next Time,
Becky J Miller
“Warrior Princess” &
Elf on a Shelf, Esquire

Becky J Miller is a contributor and is exclusive to SM Corridor News. You can read more of Becky’s columns in Lifestyle.