Living Outside The Lines: ‘Failure to Listen’

by, Becky J Miller

Effective communicators understand that listening is a key component to their success.  Good listeners not only hear what is verbalized, but they understand the feelings behind the words.

Being a good listener requires practice, effort, time, and determination. Sadly, these intangibles are rare qualities in many people. We desire to be good listeners, but are unwilling to really stretch ourselves to grow to that place because it is uncomfortable.

Social norms, those rules of behavior that are considered acceptable in a group or society, play a key role in our failure to listen. For example, how often do we pass someone in the hall at work and use, “How are you” as a form of greeting versus a genuine inquiry?

As a society we understand the expected response is, “I’m fine, how are you?” This polite exchange leaves much to be desired in how we relate to and care for our fellow human beings.

One morning recently I was standing at the fax machine, idly waiting for some documents to magically move to their ultimate destination. The cantankerous machine has an evil setting that requires close observation lest the process be unceremoniously halted.

As I stood with my head down watching the screen, a co-worker breezed by with these words, “Good Morning, Becky. How are you?” Before I could even turn my head to face him, he was three feet past & I was looking at his back. I muttered to myself, “Why even ask if you are not even going to slow down long enough to hear my response?’

I genuinely struggle with these interactions. No doubt some think me a snob, but rarely are these courteous, and impersonal exchanges initiated by me. I will offer a “Hello,” “Good Morning” or even a smile as an acknowledgement of someone’s presence. However, when I’m sincerely interested in someone’s frame of mind or well-being, I’ll stop whatever I am doing and ask a pointed question with the expectation of a honest answer.

The company I work for has retail locations in five states. Since I work at the corporate offices, I interact with numerous employees outside of our four walls. Many of the interactions are brief and casual, but sometimes something in the exchange resonates and the connection goes a bit deeper.

Several weeks ago, a store employee responded to an email I’d sent her. She apologized for the delay in responding while sharing that she’d been out due to three deaths in the family. I acknowledged how difficult that must have been, inquired to her state of mind, and mailed her a Sympathy card. After receiving the card, she emailed to tell me how much it had meant to her. Since some time had passed since our first exchange, I asked how things were going now.

Her initial response was sincere, honest, and heartfelt. She was struggling and I was willing to listen. Interestingly, after sending her first response, she suffered a case of buyer’s remorse and sent a second email apologizing for her actions.

Her words stunned me. She chastised herself for not giving the polite, simple, and often-expected response of, “I’m okay.” She wasn’t okay, and she felt ashamed for the momentary lapse of judgment that brought on an honest response. What an incredibly heartbreaking glimpse into our society.

How many others feel like this young woman? How many others are hurting, and won’t admit it because they feel like no one is really interested in listening? How many people could be rescued from the brink if we worked harder at really listening?

Listening costs us nothing, and the rewards are immeasurable. My interaction with this woman did not change her circumstances nor did it remove her pain, or provide her with a magical Band-Aid. What it did do was provide her with a moment of relief, a moment in which she did not feel alone, and an overall sense that she matters.

So, I challenge you, next time you ask someone, “How are you?” take those first steps to becoming a successful listener by stopping to really hear their answer.

Until Next Time,

Becky J Miller

“Warrior Princess”