When Domestic Violence Doesn’t Leave Marks

By, Ruby Medrano-Barcenas and Melissa Rodriguez

 

The following article is part three of a four-week series focusing on raising awareness about domestic violence. October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and we hope to educate our community on this very serious issue. Hays-Caldwell Women’s Center has been serving victims of domestic and dating violence, sexual assault and child abuse since 1978. Last year, HCWC served 1,766 victims of abuse (face-to-face) from Hays and Caldwell County. 955 of those were victims of domestic violence.  

 

Last year, America got a sneak peek into what domestic violence looks like when we were all glued to our TVs or phones watching the video of NFL football player Ray Rice punching his wife in an elevator then kicking her unconscious body while trying to get her out. That image left no doubt that physical violence can and does occur in a relationship. What that image did NOT show us was the probable non-physical violence that occurs in relationships day in and day out that slowly can lead up to that awful physical violence and whose scars run much deeper than bruises or broken bones.

 

Physical abuse is such a selfish act. It’s so selfish that “it” loves the attention the media gives “it” and the FEAR it instills in people when they discuss it.  What most people don’t know (and it definitely doesn’t  get the attention it deserves) is the OTHER types of abuse that helped “physical abuse” get where it is today.  Society doesn’t realize that “physical abuse” didn’t commit this assault on “its” own. “It” got help from emotional abuse, mental abuse and verbal abuse; and without these other types of abuse “physical abuse” wouldn’t be so powerful and monstrous.  Emotional, mental and verbal abuse are the ones who sit on the sidelines. They’re the “stunt person” who made “physical abuse” famous without these types of abuse, “physical abuse” wouldn’t have gotten this far. 

 

Yes, physical abuse gives you a black eye, a broken bone and even causes a death but what about the pain that emotional, mental and verbal abuse leaves behind? What about the head games? What about the name calling? What about the controlling behavior that doesn’t let a victim breathe without permission? What about the stress when the phone rings and the victim can’t answer immediately because they’re working? Or what about the outfit that was questioned or the constant accusation of cheating? 

 

There’s a pattern in domestic violence.  First and foremost it starts in the “honeymoon phase” where everything seems perfect and a “dream come true”.  Then when an abuser feels threatened or fearful of losing control, they will covertly name-call or belittle their partner, often using the victim’s own insecurities to exploit those hidden emotions.  They will continue this behavior until the partner has nothing left but to feel helpless and eventually, be submissive.  Victims minimize this type of abuse by normalizing it and assuming everyone does these things in a relationship and, because they aren’t leaving a mark, it must not be that bad.  Before the relationship got physical it was likely emotionally abusive and it was when the victim took a stand to resist and react that it may have become physical.  No one sees the internal bruising, or mourns the loss of self-esteem except for the victim.  Physical abuse is bad – after all it can kill you – but emotional, mental and verbal abuse murders your soul.

 

The first step in an emotionally abusive relationship is to recognize the signs and take steps towards seeking help to intervene BEFORE the abuse escalates. HCWC provides free and confidential counseling and advocacy services to men and women who have been the victims of on-going abuse. Individual counseling can help identify abusive behavior signs and further explore options, as well as learn ways to create healthy relationships.

 

There are also ways that ANYONE can become involved and help end domestic violence in OUR community. It can be as simple as joining HCWC in spreading education and awareness about abuse by following us on social media and sharing educational content with your friends by using the handle, @HCWCenter or by subscribing to our email list. You can also visit our new educational website www.StopTheHurt.org for more education on abuse issues. For more information services, please call HCWC at (512) 396-3404 or visit www.hcwc.org