Living Outside The Lines: Journey Down A Random Trail

By, Becky J Miller

There are so many instances in which I am extremely grateful for my momma teaching me that not everything entering my brain ought to be released through my lips. That mantra has kept me out of trouble more times than I care to count. Sometimes, though, the ticker tape of thoughts coursing through my head is rather amusing, and sometimes I wonder if anyone else on the planet ever ponders situations similarly. 

Contrary to the “no holds barred” manner in which some folks approach social media, I do believe there are times it is simply best to “hold your water.” Nevertheless, here I go about to break a cardinal rule, but since it’s all in the name of journalism, it’s totally acceptable, yes??  

Now, it is a fact, our bodies build up gasses that must be released. Of the two manners in which that pressure is relieved, one escape route is more socially acceptable than the other. To those striving for adherence to generally accepted societal norms, the release of gas from the lower deck is a function to be done in private. Where is one generally afforded the most privacy? The bathroom! Unless of course one is a mother, at which point, privacy is never guaranteed. 

And here is where my struggle begins. What are the rules for passing gas in a public restroom, where another person is not only within earshot but also within sniffing range? Let us add to the complexity; the bathroom is located within your place of employment and the next-door stall dweller is a co-worker??? There is a slight chance of anonymity, but only if a) you do not exit the stalls simultaneously and b) if your shoes do not give away your identity. Laugh if you must, but this is one situation that neither upbringing nor education prepared me for!!

Further down the trail, we have this random conversation with self: running is primarily a solo sport, which explains one of the reasons I love it. Occasionally, circumstances dictate that I must use a public fitness center, which is acceptable provided I am the solo occupant of said space. People are distracting; like the woman who walked in with her hair down, and then spent most of her elliptical time also yakking on her phone. Both of which cause me to question, “Was she there to socialize, impress someone or just check off her workout box?” Compared to my naked face, un-brushed teeth, barely contained disastrous hair, beet red cheeks and sweat soaked shirt, I wondered if perhaps I missed the memo???

But wait, there’s more. Anyone else feel awkward exercising facing the wall that is nothing but a mirror? This is a problem whether working out solo or not. My solo time went something like this; “Gross, I have a perfect view of the extra fat, also known as a saddle bag, occupying my right hip. That’s nasty. Note to self, no more cupcakes!!!” “Ugh, the skin on my thighs looks so wrinkly and why do they jiggle so much? I exercise daily, what must I do for clearly defined thigh muscles?” “Oh and look at those arms, my new workout is not creating any arm definition, and that skin is all saggy too.” “I don’t think this sports bra is doing its job very well, time to go shopping!” “Perhaps these mirrors are broken?? I mean, the ones at home don’t tell the same exact story.” “Okay, it’s a conspiracy, all mirrors are liars!!!”

Enter someone else. “Oh geez, now I have to be careful not to look their direction in the mirror.” “It’s going to be really weird if our eyes meet while trying to work out.” And of course, then, my favorite song comes on causing the sudden urge to sing aloud which I obviously cannot do. “Maybe I can just lip sync? Yeah, who cares if they think I’m talking to myself, at least I’m not offending their ears.” 

Am I completely alone here? Does anyone else’s brain ever take random journeys to unpredictable destinations? No? Okay. Well, I hope you at least enjoyed mine. 

Until Next Time,

Becky J Miller

“Warrior Princess”