Living Outside the Lines: Adult Beverages AKA Coffee

By, Becky J Miller

Okay, who is brave enough to admit that when they read the beginning of this column’s title, “Adult Beverages…” coffee was not the first liquid that came to mind? I knew it! Certainly coffee is not the only grown-up drink on the planet, but it’s the only one being discussed here today. So, grab a steaming cup of your favorite brew and read on.

I’m not a coffee drinker, I really want to be, but I just never acquired a taste for the stuff. I often wonder if there is some magical age that my taste buds will actually mature and I’ll be able to join the “Coffee Drinkers of the World” club. Alas, my 49th birthday was last week yet I remain excluded from the elite card-carrying coffee drinkers world. No enchanted coffee dust here.

I’ve spent much of my life pondering how a beverage that smells so divine could taste… so… bitter. Bleck! Rewind many moons to an elementary school pancake fundraiser. Junior Becky thought she would show off to her friends by chugging a cup of the stuff. I honestly cannot remember whether I spit it right back out, but it makes the story sound better, so we’ll go with that version. At any rate, I vividly recall being completely repulsed by the taste.

Being a non-coffee drinker was much easier before Starbucks became a household word. My husband loves coffee, and he frequents Starbucks often, especially when he is traveling. I want to love Starbucks, so many of the seasonal coffee beverages sound so delicious i.e., pumpkin spice latte. A few seasons ago I decided to order a pumpkin spice latte without coffee. Imagine my surprise to discover such drink exists. It’s actually called a pumpkin spice steamer, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Starbucks at I-35 and Centerpoint had no issue with my unusual request, but the Texas State Starbucks was a different story. The barista responded to my request with, “So you just want milk?” “No. I want pumpkin spice without coffee.”  “ You just want milk.” “Okay, whatever you call it.” I was scared my order would not be to my taste. I was pleasantly surprised. Later, after sharing my experience with a friend, she let me in on the secret password; “pumpkin spice steamer.”

This winter I became courageous and ordered a real pumpkin spice latte, with actual coffee!! It wasn’t half bad, so I continued my brave exploration and ordered a salted caramel mocha. Since I’m already a pushover for salted caramel anything, it was not astonishing to find the flavored potion no exception.

Now, lest anyone gets excited and labels me an official coffee drinker, I must reveal the truth; it’s not the coffee I like but the syrup. Ever watch the Will Farrell movie, “Elf”? There’s a scene where Buddy the Elf first chugs a two-liter bottle of Coke, then pours maple syrup on his spaghetti. Astonished at his peculiar actions, Emily asks, “So you like sugar?” “Is there sugar in syrup? Then yes!” That’s me, sugar is my friend.

Here’s the worst part; my morning pick-me-up costs me approximately 400 calories, 47 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of fat, and 52 grams of sugar. Compared to the salted caramel mocha, plain black coffee has zero everything bad with all the caffeinated benefits. Needless to say, I drink my syrup sparingly.

To all of you card carrying coffee drinkers out there, I willingly admit to being jealous of your grown-up taste buds. Does anyone know where I can order some of my own? No? Well, let me know if you run across any.

Until Next Time,

Becky J Miller

“Warrior Princess”